Notes for Improvement

I've been praying a lot lately about how I can be a better parent and have been really trying to be better every day for my poor kids who have to put up with me as a mom. Some days I rock at it. Some days I totally fail. Some (most) days are a mix of both.  The other night, I had some thoughts (more like word vomit as you'll see) pop into my head and I decided to type it out. I now write this kind of like a letter to myself for all to see.

Just to clarify, this is written to me from me. When I say you, I am actually talking to myself. No parent shaming here.

Don't make technology more important than your child. If your child wants to show you something, or gets hurt and needs loves, or asks for your help, don't tell them "one second" and then continue to stare at your phone. That gives off the impression that whatever is on that little screen is more important than them. The thought of my kids believing that makes me sick to my stomach. Also, don't stare at your screen all day and then get irritated when all your child ever wants to do is watch a show. You have created the impression that screen time is the norm. 

Advocate for your child. The world is so full of disappointment, rejections, heartaches and pain. Be the place where your child knows they will be comforted, supported, and counseled. Do not set them up to fail. Don't do things to "teach them a lesson." That will happen plenty in the real world, don't you worry. Cheer them on. Make a big deal out of triumphs and not such a big deal out of mistakes. Turn mistakes into learning experiences, not shaming ones.

Don't guilt trip. All a kid wants to do is make their parents happy. Say "good job," "well done," or "I'm proud of you." Think about how you react toward a "bad" thing like a big mess vs. a good "small" thing like a painting they did. The tendency is to overreact to the "bad" thing and give a "meh, that's nice" type reaction to the good thing. Wake up call, those things we see as little and possibly insignificant are big things to them. I've been doing so much better at this lately and it makes a HUGE difference. And, if they break something, a physical object or a rule, it's not going to help to get loud and angry. Ever read the book "I Will Always Love You?" That dad's on to something. Discipline with love, never with anger. 

Play with your kids. CandyLand is so boring, but darn it, all your kid wants to do is spend time with their whole world (news flash, that's you). No, you staring at your phone and your kid staring at an ipad in the same room does not count as spending time with each other.

BE PRESENT. Your physical presence is simply not enough. Don't sit on your phone/computer/tablet/TV all day and expect that to count as quality time. Being in the same room but never interacting does not count. Get on the floor and build a tower. Cook a pretend meal. Color together. Ask the kids how their day way. Ask you kid what they want to do and then do it. Ask them questions like what they want to be when they grow up. The answers might surprise you. Kids don't need fancy things, they need quality time with people they love.

Let your kids help. They so desperately want to feel needed and helpful. Maybe dinner will take a tiny bit longer to cook but seeing the reward of satisfaction and joy on your child's face will be worth it, I promise. (I've been doing much better at this one too. Thing 1 is now better at cracking eggs than I am. No joke) Those extra few minutes of having to wait while a little one does something slowly or figures out how to do something really won't kill you.

Just treat your kid like a person.  Kids are not animals (though sometimes that's a hard one to believe). They are people too. Sure, they're like tiny over emotional ticking time bombs but they are still people. I'm not saying to treat them like adults, just to remember that they are humans too. When you ask them to do something, say please and thank you. Don't always just be demanding and saying no. Give them explanations as to why a rule is a rule, or why something is the way that it is. Don't expect to say "no" harshly to everything and then expect them to just accept it and move on. Sometimes that's a thing, but not every time. Not most times. Tell them why and be amazed at how much easier it is to deal with those hard situations.

Kids will be kids. They are beautiful, angsty, moody, messy, loving, kind, honest, and the best and most exhausting things ever. Love them, love being with them, and love seeing them grow into amazing little people (hopefully not too fast). Don't be too hard on yourself when you fall short, but try every second of every day to be the best you can be for them. You are their whole world and they deserve love. So much love. 

Bonus: keep pictures like this on you at all times for those moments when they aren't acting this cute. It helps. I promise.

The Epiphany: How a simple quote changed me as a parent

I have recently had an epiphany. I can already tell this is going to be a novel. Consider yourself warned.

I am a mom of two little boys. One is almost 3 (WHAT??) and one is just over four months old. Let's rewind, though, for a moment to back when there was just the one.

Having a toddler is hard. Having a 100% independent, strong-willed, stubborn as all get-out toddler is HARD. Having that toddler but x10 is H.A.R.D. That's what I have. And if you think your kid is like that too, I promise you. Mine's worse. 

I digress. The point is that for the first year of his toddler-hood I was a grumpy mom. I have never been one to flat out yell but I raised my voice so much, sent the kid to time out so much, then sent him BACK to timeout when he'd come out before it was supposed to be over. My mothering life was, I'll be honest, miserable a lot of the time. I loved the kid, don't get me wrong, and there were plenty of sweet, good, happy moments, but that's all it felt like they were. Moments. 

Bedtime was always rushed, with the goal being getting the kid to bed as fast as possible.

Every time he talked back I overreacted.

Every time he made a mess I made a huge scene.

Time out was a daily, sometimes hourly, occurrence.

The day to day grind was sometimes almost unbearable. 

One night, the kid, the dad, and I had our worst night ever. From the moment the kid knew I was pregnant and knew something big was about to happen he decided to stop sleeping. On this particular night, we had sent him back to bed probably 15 times (I don't exaggerate) with much frustration and him in hysterics every time. Finally around 2 am we all just sat down and cried. We were frustrated, sleep deprived, angry, helpless. We couldn't understand why our once champion sleeper had turned into a literal nightmare.

Somehow everyone got through the night alive. 

The next day (NOT a coincidence) I happened upon a quote by President Thomas S. Monson

I had heard it before but this time it hit me like a ton of bricks. For the last several months, I had been doing exactly the opposite. Every mess made, every mistake made, I was more worried about the solution rather than stopping to think "through all of this, does my child feel loved?" I never stopped to think that this could be the simple solution to my problems. I was not doing anything for the right reasons. 

I'm sure if I was a child psychologist I would have figured this out much earlier.

This quote has changed. My. Life. It has changed my whole parenting "style" and attitude in general.  

We started making a bedtime a more relaxed process. It is our special time with him. We used to throw on pj's, brush teeth, sometimes sing a song if we were in a good enough mood. Now we always read scriptures, pj's and teeth brushed, a short story, personal prayer, a song and sometimes some silly tickling and always lots of hugs and kisses. If he doesn't know he's loved throughout the day, he sure knows it at bedtime. 

When he makes a mess or breaks something, he is disciplined with calm words, still timeouts when necessary, but hardly ever raised voices. We explain to him why what he did was wrong and I always ask if he understands. It is impressive how he reacts differently when I react differently. 

When he talks back, or whines, again, no yelling or raised voices. He is disciplined sternly but with obvious (I hope) love. 

It has been an ongoing process. I have not been perfect and I have slowly been getting better.

Yesterday, something amazing happened. I think I arrived. He broke one of my favorite bowls. He had climbed up after I asked him not to. I heard the crash, looked over, and saw a frozen, terrified looking two and a half year old and in a split second I had to make a decision. "Old me" would have freaked. But, something amazing happened. The quote flashed through my mind. I ran over to him. I could see the fear in his eyes as he thought I was going to roughly scoop him up and plop him in time out. Instead, I calmly asked him why he would do that after I asked him not to. His answer? 

"I don't know."

And you know what? I believed him. He didn't know. He genuinely didn't know why he did it. I can tell when he is being purposefully defiant (trust me, it happens all too often). This was not one of those times. Here was a little boy who couldn't control the impulse. Why? Because he's two years old. And sometimes two year olds simply can't control their impulses. 

I started crying. He looked confused and a bit amused. I cried because I wondered how many times I had angrily overreacted and made the situation ten times worse by my reaction. I wondered how many angry moments could have been loving teaching/learning moments instead. I felt so guilty and relieved at the same time. Like I had finally found the solution to my grumpy problem.

I have had a few of these "aha" moments, but this was definitely the biggest so far.

I am not a perfect parent. FAR from it.

I will still slip up. I sometimes still raise my voice. 

It is SO MUCH less often than it used to be. We are talking like, 90% better. I really do feel like it has been that significant. 

When he comes out of his room at night (we are still working on getting good sleep habits back), instead of creating a huge battle, I stop and think to myself, "is is really a big deal that he wants one more song, or one more hug? Or that he feels insecure and wants to know we are still there?"

The answer is yes, but not for the reasons I used to think. It's a big deal because if he comes out wanting an extra hug, he just wants to be reassured. He just needs that little extra affirmation. And you know what? I am never going to tell him "no you already got a hug so you need to go back to bed" ever again. He will get that hug. Because, for all I know, that's all he needed that day to feel secure. 

I have not become a pushover.

I still feel like I'm a lot more strict than many parents. Maybe too hard on him at times.

I still firmly believe that I need to teach my children right and wrong and I firmly believe they need to realize the consequences of their actions.

BUT. It is all done with LOVE in mind. 

Love doesn't mean letting kids get away with everything. It doesn't mean not disciplining. The difference lies in WHY we are doing what we are doing. Am I putting him in timeout because he didn't listen to me and he needs to know who is boss? A few months ago, maybe. But now it's because I love him and want him to be able to learn right from wrong. I love him and don't want him to go off into the world without knowing there are consequences to every action. 

It is possible. It is hard at first, as it's a total change of attitude and heart. It has taken me months to get to this point. But it's working and our home is filled with peace and happiness so much more often. 

Since these experiences, we have found a scripture that we have adopted as our "family motto" 

I absolutely love this. We must lead by example. If I yell, I can't expect him to not yell. If I overreact so will he. If I say "freaking bugs need to die," he will too (that was today's "oops" moment).

That was a lot of scattered thoughts and this feels sort of like word vomit. The bottom line is, having an attitude of love, having love being the bottom line, can change e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. 

Reflections...

I have always loved New Years.  I love the feeling of starting fresh, setting goals, and of course re-starting the countdown until Christmas ;)
In all seriousness, I totally get that I can start goals any time, and I should always strive to be a good person no matter what time of year. However, I really do appreciate the "excuse" to reevaluate my life and find ways to improve.
This year, the hubby and I decided to set goals based on four dimensions of wellness:

Spiritual

Physical

Emotional

Intellectual

Setting these goals has made me realize places in my life where I need to improve, but, just as importantly, it helped me remember that I'm actually doing ok in a lot of areas. I think that so much of the time we focus so much on what we are doing wrong that we forget that, in the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "You are doing better than you think you are." 

Reflecting back, I had so many experiences that helped me grow, that strengthened my testimony, and that brought me closer to the people who are the most important in my life. I want to share a few of them in hopes that someone can relate, or benefit somehow from hearing my experiences.

The first experience was that we moved from one end of the state to the other, approximately a 4 1/2 hour drive. We moved from the place we met, went to school, from the place where Shaun is from and where most of his family lives. We moved to the place where I grew up, and where my family is based. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. As excited as I was (and I was VERY excited) to be back up near my family and old friends, my heart was totally torn as I left a place that now felt like home. This change lead me to realize many things. How much I loved both sides of our family. How much I hate change ( I already knew this, it was just reiterated). How important it is to me that I be with my husband and kid wherever I go. How attached I am to people I love. How much I hate scraping snow off my car. And, how worldly possessions suddenly felt unnecessary and inconvenient (anyone who has packed up and moved would agree with me).

Another experience I had was auditioning and being accepted into an orchestra I had always wanted to be a part of. The lesson learned in this experience was that I was able to achieve a goal by working hard and dreaming big. I was genuinely nervous for this audition, especially after finding out that a large amount of people had auditioned and only up to three were going to be accepted. I practiced like crazy to get myself back in shape (I hadn't really practiced diligently since I graduated college two years ago...don't tell my students) and hoped for the best. Honestly, I was really out of shape. But, doing as much as I was capable of was all I could do.  I really felt like it was one of those experiences where I did my part, The Lord realized that and he helped with the rest. I learned that this was where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing. It has been an uplifting experience so far. 

Lastly, I had an experience at the beginning of December that really changed my life forever, and for the better. Before I say what it is, I just want to preface it by saying that I am only sharing this experience because I feel the need to.  I am not looking for sympathy or attention in any way. Also, by posting it here I am not trying to downplay the tender, bittersweet experience that it was and is for many mothers. I just think that sometimes the hard things in life are just that, hard and hard to talk about.  At the same time I believe that sometimes all someone needs is for someone to talk about it for whatever reason, whether it be because they need someone to relate to, to reassure them, or just to let them know that others are going through the same thing. Whatever the case may be, maybe there is someone out there that needs to hear this?

Wow sorry long preface. So here it is: 

I got pregnant in October this year. By the beginning of December, The Lord decided that having a baby wasn't in our plan at the moment, and we lost our little one. It's one of those things that I didn't really think could or would happen to me, and then it did. There were so many things I learned from this experience. First, I learned that my testimony and faith are strong. If they weren't, I don't think I would have handled it very well. Of course is was not a happy time, but having the eternal perspective that I did made it that much easier to cope with. Second, I learned that I am a lot stronger than I think, physically and emotionally. I had to go in every week for a month to get my blood drawn (seems like not a big deal to some but I don't deal with dr.'s and pain and things very well). I am bruised from where they took my blood over and over.  Every time I went in I was reminded of what had happened, plus all the "fun" bodily side effects that come with this. All this, and, somehow, I am ok. I really felt and feel at peace with everything, and I dealt with the physical things really well, compared to how I usually do. Lastly, I was reminded how much love and support we have from family, friends, and The Lord.

Life really is good. That does not mean there aren't hard times, it just means that life is good. So, here's to a 2017 full of ups AND downs, because really, if we wish for only good things, we will just end up being disappointed. It is inevitable that there will be hard times. When they do come, take the time you need to mourn, recover, whatever you need to do. When you're ready, figure out how the situation can help you or someone else, and continue moving onward and upward!

Happy New Year!

On Being Christlike

I believe in Christ. I believe that he once physically lived on this earth, and that he came here to atone for our sins and conquer death. I believe that he will come again, and I believe in the kind of person he is.

In a world that is seeing more hatred, judgement, cruelty, and pain, let us not forget to be Christlike.

Even if you don't believe in Christ.

Even if you don't believe in immortal Eternal beings.

Even if, to you, Christ was just another mortal man, or didn't even exist at all. Even if, to you, he is a made up character in a non-fiction book.

To me this is what it means to be "Christlike;"

•It means to love everyone. Not necessarily agree with everything they do, but love them.
•It means to have compassion.
•It means to serve.
•It means to be kind.
•It means to be forgiving
•It means to see the good in others.
•It means to have to sometimes give tough love, but to do it with just that, love.
•It means to be the one to bring someone up who everyone else is bringing them down.
•It means to stand up for what you believe in, but not to condemn others for believing in something different.
•It means to teach others what you believe in. To explain why you believe in it and to be willing to teach even if you will be judged for it.
•It means to sacrifice for the benefit of others.
•It means to be humble.
•It means to give your life to your good cause. A cause that does not put at risk someone else's life, or well being, or eternal joy.
•It means to be a hard worker.
•It, quite simply and yet not so simply at all, means to do what you know, deep down, is the right thing to do.

You see, you don't have to be a Christian to be Christlike. Being Christlike is to be a good person. We can all strive for that, right?

I Had a Baby...And I Still Love my Husband!

I had a baby four months ago. He is my pride and joy, my little sidekick, my sweet sweet angel and I love him more than words could ever express. I also still love my husband.

You're probably thinking, "I would surely hope so!" But allow me to explain.

"You'll never love someone as much as you'll love that little boy"

"You have no idea what love is until you have a child"

What?? Did I just hear those words? These were word for word some phrases that were said to me while I was pregnant and these things were added to my "I don't like that at all" list. What about the man that I am madly in love with, who is the reason we are having this little boy? How could I possibly love someone else more than I love the one I promised to spend eternity with, the one who I gave my whole heart to and who I share my whole life with? The answer is simple; I cannot. It is not possible.

I love my husband as much as my child, and I love that little baby as much as I love my husband. Of course, they are two different types of love, one is the unwavering love of a mother and one is a committed and romantic love, but to say that one is stronger than the other just hurts my heart to even consider. These two boys mean more to me than the world, and I know that I'll feel the same way about our future children. I love my family with all my heart and as it grows, my love multiplies, it does not divide.

**For me, no love compares to that of a mother to her child, nor to that of a wife to her husband**

So please, next time you want to try to express to someone how much they are going to love their child (which is impossible to put into words, I totally understand), just do it in a way that does not put the significant other on the back burner because if it weren't for mine, we would not be a beautiful family of three.

3 Ways to Keep Your House Looking Great When You're Too Busy to Keep Your House Looking Great!

As a new mother of one, I realize that people with 2 or more children will probably laugh in my face when I say that having a child makes it hard to get anything done. This said, I also believe that everyone adapts, and when I have my second, and my third, I will probably look back and laugh at myself too. Until then, I don't think it's unfair to say that I am a busy mom! I stay at home with the baby almost full time, with the exception of about 15 hours a week when I'm teaching violin lessons.

Which brings us to the subject of housework.

When I was pregnant people told me over and over again, "housework is not important, just enjoy your baby!" And while I mostly agree with that, I also have a hard time enjoying my baby when I am surrounded by a gigantic mess. It makes me anxious and I can't relax and just play with him when it's a complete disaster and there's so much to do. A little mess here and there is one thing, that I can handle; but a house caked in dust with piles everywhere that hasn't been vacuumed in weeks just gives me the heebie jeebies.

****Disclaimer: I always put my baby first, always. Just throwing that out there before I share the rest of this post****

Like I said above, I wholeheartedly agree that baby comes first. Luckily though, I have found a system that works that keeps my house looking pretty good most days, and I don't feel like I have neglected my baby or missed  out on anything at all. I would also like to point out that right now my living situation is just me, my husband, and the baby.  Everyone's situation is different, so these might not work for everybody.

So here they are, 3 ways to keep your house looking great when you're too busy to keep your house looking great!

1. Naptime Rounds
I know what you're thinking, "you're supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps!" Believe me I do my fair share of that, but I generally just take the first five minutes of his nap to do a quick sweep of the house. This usually includes toys and shoes put away, burp cloths in the hamper, snacks cleaned up, etc. etc. By doing this, the house is not a total stye by the end of the night, and even though I still do a nightly round, it's not nearly as time consuming as it could be.

2. Daily Chore Chart
Now that I am taking care of a baby, I don't have the luxury of spending my Saturday, my once "day off" cleaning the house in one big chunk. With my husband in school, these are his catching up on homework days, which makes Saturdays just like any other day for me to take care of the baby. I decided to make a daily chore chart for myself that covers my basic cleaning needs. It has been extremely helpful, as it is much easier to find 10-15 minutes to do a chore than 2 hours to do the whole house at once. Mine looks something like this:
    Monday: Bathroom
    Tuesday: Living room/nursery *Don't be fooled, it's the same room right now. Small house :)
    Wednesday: Kitchen
    Thursday: Kitchen/Bathroom floors
    Friday: Dust
    Saturday: Vacuum
My wonderful husband takes care of the vacuuming and garbages, so I usually use Saturday to do the chore or two that I might have missed that week.  Between this and straightening up during naptime and the end of the day, the house stays pretty clean.

3. Nightly Dish Washing
We don't have a dishwasher, and things can pile up fast. I have made it a habit to do the dishes every single night. It doesn't matter if we only dirtied just two things, I do them. This way I keep up on them and it is never an overwhelming amount to do. This also helps me during the day when I don't have time to do them after we have eaten, I just rinse them off and put them in the sink, knowing I will do them that night. After the baby goes to bed I do all the dishes for that day, lay them out to dry overnight, and first thing in the morning put them away. For those of you who do have a dishwasher, this could be simply loading and unloading instead of washing and drying.

To My Baby

If Only I Had Known...

...that it meant waking up multiple times in the middle of the night-every night
...that you would have grenade-like poops that stained your clothes
...or that you'd go right after I'd finish changing your diaper
...that I'd use my bare hand to block your pee so it didn't spray my face while changing your diaper
...that I'd wipe your boogers on my shirt
...that you'd poop in the bathtub
...that you'd spit up after every feeding and at least 3 times in between
...and as a result we'd both go through 3 outfits a day
...that most days I wouldn't have time to shower, do my makeup, or even pull up my hair
...that my new scent would be pink baby lotion
...that my house would always have a mess to clean up
...and that there wouldn't be time to clean it
...that I'd spend half my earnings on diapers
...that you'd projectile vomit all over yourself 2 minutes after your bath
...that my social life would go out the window
...that you'd accidentally bonk your head or scratch yourself
...that my heart would break every time you'd cry
...that my heart would burst every time you'd smile

If only I had known that this is what motherhood meant....oh my sweet angel baby I would have wished for you sooner!

Because the bodily fluids mean your body is functioning properly and you are growing big and strong
Because being up in the middle of the night means sweet tender moments and lots of snuggles
Because I have learned to love myself without fancy hair and makeup
Because smelling like you when we're apart helps when I'm missing you
Because I would much rather sit and hold you than do dishes anyway
Because being with my family is the most important form of a social life
Because when you are sad or hurting, it is me you want comforting you and that is an irreplaceable feeling
Because I am learning to be more gentle and loving
Because if I didn't know the hardships of motherhood, I would not know the joys.


My only child (for now) is just two months old, and I know there are many additional challenges and hardships awaiting me, but being the mother and wife in the family unit has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I truly believe that all of the seemingly negative aspects of parenthood are blessings, even if they sometimes feel deeply disguised (how is poop a blessing??). Mommas, if you are having one of "those" days, just take a step back and remember how lucky you are to experience the beautiful calling that is motherhood.