I've been praying a lot lately about how I can be a better parent and have been really trying to be better every day for my poor kids who have to put up with me as a mom. Some days I rock at it. Some days I totally fail. Some (most) days are a mix of both. The other night, I had some thoughts (more like word vomit as you'll see) pop into my head and I decided to type it out. I now write this kind of like a letter to myself for all to see.
Just to clarify, this is written to me from me. When I say you, I am actually talking to myself. No parent shaming here.
Don't make technology more important than your child. If your child wants to show you something, or gets hurt and needs loves, or asks for your help, don't tell them "one second" and then continue to stare at your phone. That gives off the impression that whatever is on that little screen is more important than them. The thought of my kids believing that makes me sick to my stomach. Also, don't stare at your screen all day and then get irritated when all your child ever wants to do is watch a show. You have created the impression that screen time is the norm.
Don't make technology more important than your child. If your child wants to show you something, or gets hurt and needs loves, or asks for your help, don't tell them "one second" and then continue to stare at your phone. That gives off the impression that whatever is on that little screen is more important than them. The thought of my kids believing that makes me sick to my stomach. Also, don't stare at your screen all day and then get irritated when all your child ever wants to do is watch a show. You have created the impression that screen time is the norm.
Advocate for your child. The world is so full of disappointment, rejections, heartaches and pain. Be the place where your child knows they will be comforted, supported, and counseled. Do not set them up to fail. Don't do things to "teach them a lesson." That will happen plenty in the real world, don't you worry. Cheer them on. Make a big deal out of triumphs and not such a big deal out of mistakes. Turn mistakes into learning experiences, not shaming ones.
Don't guilt trip. All a kid wants to do is make their parents happy. Say "good job," "well done," or "I'm proud of you." Think about how you react toward a "bad" thing like a big mess vs. a good "small" thing like a painting they did. The tendency is to overreact to the "bad" thing and give a "meh, that's nice" type reaction to the good thing. Wake up call, those things we see as little and possibly insignificant are big things to them. I've been doing so much better at this lately and it makes a HUGE difference. And, if they break something, a physical object or a rule, it's not going to help to get loud and angry. Ever read the book "I Will Always Love You?" That dad's on to something. Discipline with love, never with anger.
Play with your kids. CandyLand is so boring, but darn it, all your kid wants to do is spend time with their whole world (news flash, that's you). No, you staring at your phone and your kid staring at an ipad in the same room does not count as spending time with each other.
BE PRESENT. Your physical presence is simply not enough. Don't sit on your phone/computer/tablet/TV all day and expect that to count as quality time. Being in the same room but never interacting does not count. Get on the floor and build a tower. Cook a pretend meal. Color together. Ask the kids how their day way. Ask you kid what they want to do and then do it. Ask them questions like what they want to be when they grow up. The answers might surprise you. Kids don't need fancy things, they need quality time with people they love.
Let your kids help. They so desperately want to feel needed and helpful. Maybe dinner will take a tiny bit longer to cook but seeing the reward of satisfaction and joy on your child's face will be worth it, I promise. (I've been doing much better at this one too. Thing 1 is now better at cracking eggs than I am. No joke) Those extra few minutes of having to wait while a little one does something slowly or figures out how to do something really won't kill you.
Just treat your kid like a person. Kids are not animals (though sometimes that's a hard one to believe). They are people too. Sure, they're like tiny over emotional ticking time bombs but they are still people. I'm not saying to treat them like adults, just to remember that they are humans too. When you ask them to do something, say please and thank you. Don't always just be demanding and saying no. Give them explanations as to why a rule is a rule, or why something is the way that it is. Don't expect to say "no" harshly to everything and then expect them to just accept it and move on. Sometimes that's a thing, but not every time. Not most times. Tell them why and be amazed at how much easier it is to deal with those hard situations.
Kids will be kids. They are beautiful, angsty, moody, messy, loving, kind, honest, and the best and most exhausting things ever. Love them, love being with them, and love seeing them grow into amazing little people (hopefully not too fast). Don't be too hard on yourself when you fall short, but try every second of every day to be the best you can be for them. You are their whole world and they deserve love. So much love.
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Bonus: keep pictures like this on you at all times for those moments when they aren't acting this cute. It helps. I promise. |
